That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
