just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
