***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
