i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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