I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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