I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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