I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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