Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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