he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
