your parents love me but you hate me
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
they're like a gay fantastic four
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
