I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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