every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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