we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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