I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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