OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
