She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
