best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize