i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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