what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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