I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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