Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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