i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Randomize
