why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
