maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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