I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
