you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
