flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
