i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
