I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
