well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
4 words: hood of his car
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
