Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
