Taylor Swift is so right about you.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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