She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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