Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Do you remember whose house we're in?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
