he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
