my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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