Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
