Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
