girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
