Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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