Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
