***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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