I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
