What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
