new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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