he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
