i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
