Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
