Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
