By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
the condom got lost in my hair
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
