1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
