Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
