so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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