I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
