I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
