either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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