I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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