And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
