just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
