Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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