I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
