Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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