I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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