Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
